Today was a momentous day – one 22 years in the making. I don’t know how to put it into words, and I’d probably sound crazy (crazier) if I tried to explain it all, but trust me when I say that everything changed today. EVERYTHING. My entire reason for being. My motivation for doing what I do (including part of my original reason for volunteering). My reason for being who I am. It all changed today, and I can’t put my finger on how or why. All I know is that I had a dream that has historically been a nightmare, and when I woke up, I just felt calm… calmer than I’ve ever felt in my life. And I woke up with this song by Jim James, A New Life, stuck in my head even though I’d only heard it once before several months ago. And when I tried to conjure up the feelings this nightmare normally brings, they weren’t there – for the first time in 22 years. So basically, for the first time in 22 years, I felt free and the elephant that’s been sitting on my chest all that time (every single moment of every single day for the past 22 years) was no longer there. I wish I knew what brought this about – I’d naturally assumed that this thing was something I’d have to live with for the rest of my life, or at least until the other people involved died – but now that it’s happened, I’m just worried that I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be back to normal. I even scoured the obituaries today, just to make sure that wasn’t why I had the sudden freedom. Luckily, no one I know has died recently, so that’s not it. For now, though, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my one day of freedom.
(Yes, I’m aware that so far this post is completely nonsensical for probably 100% of the people reading it, but I feel like I need to mark this occasion with some words for posterity’s sake. Bear with me.)
In other news, we had a sort of “get to know your neighbors” event at work today (all week, actually, but today was our floor), and I was tapped to be one of the “ambassadors” to describe what our team does. This meant I got to expense about 4 dozen cookies from Prantl’s this morning, and then sit with them at a table with one of my coworkers and talk to people about what we do. It certainly was not a bad way to spend a couple hours, but I probably walked away from the day with type 2 diabetes. Between our table, our neighbor’s table, and my old group’s tables, I came home with a cupcake, two giant cookies, nearly 2 dozen regular-sized cookies, some York peppermint patties, Reese’s mini dark chocolate pb cups, and a whole lot of Jolly Ranchers. I only managed to eat a cookie and a cupcake, but there’s a lot of eating to be done in the next few days. Good thing I have a volunteer meeting coming up tomorrow… guess they’ll be the lucky beneficiaries. 🙂
So although it may not have been a traditionally-exciting day, it was a very thrilling day for me. Now I just need to hope that nothing crazy happens in my brain overnight and that the good stuff sticks around. Wish me luck.