I’d love to say I got a lot accomplished today, but that would be a total lie. 🙂
The day started off with a mandatory offsite meeting at the Renaissance Hotel, where we were treated to breakfast (fruit and coffee for me) and a discussion with our company’s CEO and President. The President & CEO were late in arriving, so we had some extra time to hang. I got to talk to some people I don’t normally see, which was fun, and I was happy to not have to sit in customer calls for the morning.
When we got back to the office, I spent some time obsessing over the little issue I’ve been going through lately. It’s actually two issues – one in which I did something wrong (I discussed a problem with one person in an email to another person in the hopes of getting more perspective and guidance), and another in which the person I discussed the problem with divulged all of the information to the person I had an issue with. So on the one hand, I shouldn’t have discussed the issue with anyone other than the person the issue was with; on the other hand, I was completely blindsided and betrayed by someone I thought I could trust. I’m not exaggerating when I say that going through this hurts more than anything I’ve had to go through before, relationship-wise. It’s worse than any breakup I’ve ever been through, and I guess it’s because I finally trusted someone and they completely let me down. Regardless, the person I initially had an issue with is someone I really need to work closely with in the future, and I need to do my very best to move forward with that person.
Keeping all that in mind, I brainstormed while I ate my lunch. I tried to think of ways I could convey how I felt about the situation and I explored what I really wanted. In a real ‘duh’ moment, I realized that what I most want is to move past the issue and do whatever I can to have the person forgive me. Once I determined I wanted to let go of the past issue (the one that started this whole thing off, months ago), I tried to think of the best ways I could say sorry and show I really mean it. In a stroke of brilliance (or creepiness, tomato/tomahhhto), I stalked this person’s Facebook page, found a place that they love to have breakfast with their family on the weekend, and made a little trip out to a part of the city I’ve never been to before. It was a nice half hour trolley safari to get to where I was heading, but when I arrived, I purchased a gift certificate for the person and then headed back to work. When I got back to the office, I set about crafting a nice message to accompany the gift certificate. Handwritten, with a little cartoon at the top that’s an inside joke from one of our past encounters this past April. I think I struck the right balance of apologetic, grateful, and hopeful, but only time will tell (and I was so nervous while writing it that I was shaking… hopefully it’s legible). I dropped it off after the person had already left the office, so they’ll get it tomorrow. We had some email correspondence today that makes me believe that moving on from this is going to be easier than expected, so I’m cautiously optimistic (and a little excited!) for tomorrow. It feels a little like the night before Christmas, when you’ve gotten someone a gift you know they’ll love and you can’t wait for them to open it.
So hopefully by tomorrow afternoon, one part of this saga will be over. The other part is an ongoing struggle, and I’m still in communication with the person who betrayed me; I’m trying to learn how to forgive and forget. Forgiving and forgetting, if you didn’t know, is SO MUCH HARDER than cutting off all communication with a person. No wonder I’ve taken the easier route for most of my life; this route is crazy hard and painful. I don’t think things will ever get back to how they used to be, but I’m also going to have to work with the person who betrayed me (less so than with the first person), so I need to get over it somehow.
If all else fails (and I doubt it will; it’s in everyone’s best interest to forgive and forget in this situation), at least I got to spent some time outside of work today, and I’m doing something nice for someone I’m trying to remain friends with. If the rest of it goes haywire, at least I did the adult thing and tried my best.
Adulting is way hard, yo.