My life this week so far has been consumed with thoughts of Lasts and Firsts, and just a lot of nostalgia in general. There’s no guarantee that Friday’s interview will go well, or that I’ll get the job I’m trying to get… or even that I’ll accept it if it’s offered to me. It constitutes an enormous change that would completely turn my life upside down – and even if life is turned upside down for the better, it’s still turned upside down. There would be no more working in Downtown Pittsburgh, no more business trips that I can use as an excuse to explore a city’s food and drink scene, no more volleyball (at least until summer, when I’ll need to work something out), possibly no more bartending, and possibly (probably) no more volunteering (which might truly kill me). Everything is kind of in limbo at the moment, as I wait to see if I even get the job, and if so, whether or not I decide to accept it.
So bearing all that in mind, you can maybe sort of understand why I almost started crying when I stepped into the gorgeous spring-like day to head to the bank this afternoon. I felt the warm breeze on my skin and glanced up to see an almost-perfect sky with a few fluffy clouds reflected in the windows of my work building. I took a deep breath and smelled the city smells I’ve come to take for granted, and then I almost cried. I love it here. I never thought I’d love working Downtown; I’ve always hated the commute and the crowds of people and the fact that it costs a gazillion dollars to park in a garage, and yet… if I were to leave, I would miss it terribly.
Early in the evening tonight, I stumbled on a friend’s video of the game-winning hit from last spring’s Pirates home-opener, and I almost cried again – I remember attending my first (and only) home-opener a few years ago, and I have fond memories of pausing work conversations over the years to celebrate each batch of home run fireworks that I could see and hear from my office. If I leave, no more watching the games from the 21st (previously the 24th) floor. No more excitement in the air on game days, and no more staying late at work to catch part of the night games from the office window.
I’m totally jumping the gun here, but as I told a friend recently, “I’m trying to plan for the most life-altering outcome.” It’s entirely possible I won’t be offered the job – I’ve doubted my qualifications from day one, even though others have said I’d be perfect for it. It’s also somewhat possible I won’t accept if I am (though that’s unlikely). But man, if I get it and take it, it’s going to be so bittersweet – I know it’ll be amazing and possibly the greatest thing I’ll do in my life, but there are so many things I’ll miss. The good news is that there’s really no downside to any of this – if I don’t get it, sure, I’ll be a little disappointed, but I’ll also be relieved that I won’t need to make a tough decision (and I won’t need to worry about trimming my monthly budget to accommodate a vastly minimized paycheck). And if I do get it, well, I think it has the potential to truly make me happy – and isn’t that the point to life?
Regardless, two more days until I get through the hard part. After that, who’s to say what will happen.
Two. More. Days.
Assuming I don’t have a panic attack or a heart attack before then. 😉